There is an instant cure to shyness, called other-consciousness. Being shy is nothing but self-consciousness. And although shyness has been around from time immemorial, and almost everyone is shy to some degree, there is a new term for it:  “Social Anxiety Disorder”, also called social phobia.

There is even a slogan for shy people:  Allergic To People. The Social Anxiety Disorder Coalition developed the slogan in conjunction with the drug industry, to call attention to shyness.
 
There has been notable controversy regarding social phobia, or shyness labeled as a phobia disorder.  Some experts feel that the drug industry labeled this “disorder” so they could sell more pills.  Specifically, Paxil.  This drug was initially for depression, but sales were down.  

Then a campaign sponsored by Paxil’s manufacturer, GalaxoSmithKline, suggested that Paxil could help you shed shyness.

While a social phobia that interferes with living your life may be a disorder, only about 3% of shy people have such a phobia. If it interferes with earning a living, if you can’t order food in a restaurant, then professional help or medication may be warranted.

But for ordinary shy people, who are fearful of social gatherings or talking in public, it is not a disorder. And it is not necessary to take pills to control it. Have you ever stopped to think people are just like you?

People are people.  That thought will help you overcome shyness; the key is to discover and celebrate what you share in common with others.

A simple process will instantly empower you to converse with people naturally.   Shyness will fall away like a butterfly shedding its cocoon. Social workers and therapists use this process, called “Spotlighting”, to help clients overcome fear of social gatherings.

It is so simple! You will experience a miracle when you place the conversational spotlight on the other person, and off of yourself. All good communicators do this.  They make everyone around them feel special, important. These socially skilled men and women may not call it “Spotlighting” but they do it all the time.

How To Use “Spotlighting” To Overcome Shyness:

Change Your Thoughts

Keep the spotlight away from yourself and on the other person, by avoiding the word “I”.  Cease thinking about yourself and focus on the person in front of you. This will free you of self-conscious, fearful thoughts, i.e. “How do I look? Are people thinking how stupid I am? How am I doing?”  Notice all those thoughts include the word “I”?  Banish “I” from your mind and your vocabulary for a few minutes and voila!  No more shyness.

Change Your Words

Are you curious about other people? This applies to a sincere curiosity, of course.  Ask them questions to put the spotlight on them and off yourself.  Do you know what their favorite subject is?  Themselves. People love to talk about themselves, and they want to be listened to. When we refer to good listening skills, this is what we mean.  Find out there likes and dislikes, why they feel as they do, what they are planning to do in the future.

5 Keys To Overcoming Shyness with Other-Consciousness

1.  Note how people are speaking, the tone of their voice, and the mood or feeling it conveys.
2. Ask questions to decipher what is important to them, what makes them smile, and what concerns or topics are uppermost on their mind in the present moment.  
3. When you feel you are drifting back to self-consciousness, change the spotlight to them again.
4. If they ask you about yourself, answer briefly.  Avoid getting stuck on yourself, talking about yourself.  There is no social rule that you must answer all questions with a complete response. Be succinct. The other person will be glad that you did not launch into your life’s story.
5. Then link the next comment back to them.  What do they think of the snacks, how did they feel about the music, the speaker, the Olympics, or academy award winners.  Anything to get it back to them and off of you.

It is ok if spotlighting feels awkward at first.  With practice, you will get better at spotlighting.  Other-consciousness will soon be natural for you. They pay talk show hosts the big bucks for it-- their ability to bring someone out, to get the person to share interesting things about themselves.

Think of Charlie Rose, if you ever watch Public Television.  He shows fascination with each guest, gives them the opportunity to share their deepest concerns and opinions. Then, he shows support for their feelings and ideas.  Occasionally he interjects something about himself, but he is not long winded about it.  He is simply a charming guy, few would disagree with that.

Isn’t it time to overcome shyness, spotlight the other guy, and actually enjoy talking to people.  That is the key to finding lots of interesting dates, and ultimately, the love of your life.